40 Days of Purpose: Restoring Relationships

Life is all about learning how to love. Learning to love also means learning how to restore relationships.

Key Verse

“Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody.” Romans 12:18 TEV

God wants us to value relationships as He does. He wants us to maintain them and prioritise them.

Our ability to get along with others is a sign of spiritual maturity. God wants us to be known for our love particularly our love for each other (John 13:35). A broken relationship is a disgraceful testimony if we are to be known for our love.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Matthew 5:9 NIV

We are called to live peaceably and restore the broken relationships in our lives. As God’s children, we are to bring peace, and it’s hard work.

Being a peacemaker doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or agreeing with everything. It means facing the problem regardless of whether it means running from conflict or causing it. It’s about standing up for the good of everyone against evil.

How do we restore relationships? There are seven parts to reconciliation.

Talk to God first

Most conflict begins with unmet needs. Some of our needs can only be met by God, so we need to talk to God about all our needs to prevent conflict. But when conflict begins prayer is the first step.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.” James 4:1-2 NIV

We should always talk to God first whether we face a choice or we’ve just woken up. Talking to God can help us see more clearly.

Regarding conflict when we talk to God often He changes our hearts or He changes the person we are in conflict with and most likely both parties are changed in some way.

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Always take the initiative

Regardless of the change that occurs when we talk to God about the conflict we must be the first to make the move towards reconciliation. Delay only deepens the hurt and the longer we wait the worse it becomes.

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7 NIV

Acting quickly reduces our spiritual damage. Unresolved conflict and sin block our fellowship with God and can keep our prayers from being answered.

Acting quickly offers the best chance of reconciliation. But it’s best not to make the meeting when we will be tired, or rushed and likely to be interrupted. We must be at our best so no further conflict is caused.

Sympathise with their feelings

To restore a relationship we must listen more than we speak. Listening shows we care and it shows we value them over the problem. We need to show sympathy before we think about solutions. We need to listen without getting defensive and nod our understanding even if we don’t agree.

“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offence.” Proverbs 19:11 NIV

Our feelings are not always logical and can make us act foolishly (Psalm 73:21-22). We must try to understand their perspective. Patience comes from wisdom and we gain wisdom by listening to the perspectives of others.

Restoring relationships usually involves a sacrifice even if just time but it’s a sacrifice we should be willing to make out of love.

Confess your part of the conflict

In conflict, nothing is black and white though it can seem that way. Both parties are guilty in their own way and both need to confess.

If we want to restore a relationship we must evaluate our actions and admit our wrongdoings. We can ask God how much of the conflict is our fault and we can enlist an unbiased third party to help us evaluate our actions. We can be blinded by our emotions and an unbiased viewpoint offers a clearer perspective.

“Hypocrite! First take the beam of wood out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5 CSB

We can’t make excuses or try to shift the blame. We must be honest and accept responsibility, but most of all we must ask them to forgive us.

When we humble ourselves before them and admit our mistakes we increase the likelihood of reconciliation because it can defuse their anger and their argument.

Attack the problem, not the person

We cannot fix the situation if we are focused on blame. Our words must be chosen carefully because how we speak is as important as what we say.

“Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word is a gift.” Ephesians 4:29 MSG

Cooperate as much as possible

Reconciliation is not possible unless both parties work together. Cooperation is essential when we try and live at peace with anyone.

Peace always has a price. It may be our pride or self-centredness, which is not a bad thing. For the sake of our relationships, we should do our best to compromise and show preference to their needs.

“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.” Matthew 5:9 MSG

Emphasise reconciliation, not resolution

When we focus on solutions rather than the person the conflict may never end. They need to feel understood and have their needs validated.

When we focus on reconciliation and their feelings the problem loses significance most of the time and often becomes irrelevant. This proves that love is what really matters.

In the situation where the problem is still relevant after reconciliation a solution can then be found in the spirit of harmony.

“Give up your evil ways and do right, as you find and follow the road to peace. The Lord watches over everyone who obeys him, and he listens to their prayers. But he opposes everyone who does evil.” 1 Peter 3:11-12 CEV

As Christians, we must learn to disagree without causing conflict. Just because we may be able to restore those relationships doesn’t mean we should disagree in such a way.

Now we know how to restore relationships without further conflict, we must do it as soon as possible so it doesn’t have time to fester. Yet we must approach with a realistic mindset because not every relationship will be restored and sometimes letting go is the best thing we can do.

Nevertheless, we set out on the path of reconciliation with hope and let God lead the way. Whatever the outcome He is in control.

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