Coping with Grief at Christmastime

We all cope with grief in different ways, and we all feel it differently, too. For some, the other person’s absence makes you feel empty, like there is now a void that will never go away. Others are filled with restlessness because you feel like they could walk in the door any moment like they used to, but you know they won’t.

Despite being surrounded by it, you feel isolated from the world and often wonder how much misery could exist. You feel cut off from the season’s goodness and wonder if you’ll ever feel it again. You don’t let anybody know this is how you feel; you pretend it’s all okay, and this feeling will pass because you don’t want their pity or to take away their joy.

Believe it or not, you are not alone in feeling this way, and it will pass, just maybe not this year. As time passes and you adjust to their absence, you will learn to enjoy life again fully as you once did.

As Christmas approaches and the holiday season gets into full swing, we often find ourselves reminiscing about past Christmases and the people we celebrated with. However, these memories can be bittersweet as we remember loved ones who are no longer with us or friends with whom we have lost touch. For many people, the holiday season can be a lonely and sad time, as it brings up a range of emotions that we don’t know how to deal with. How can we cope with the grief that arises from these memories and feelings during this season?

The Grieving Process

Grief is the result of loss; we all know this, but the highs and lows of this process take us for a crazy ride. The beginning is always the worst with the longest and most intense low periods, but over time, it does smooth out a bit, with those low periods becoming shorter and less intense.

There is no actual process to grief because everyone experiences it their way; it is unique to each person, and the time it lasts is different for each person, too. For some people, it may only last a few weeks, while some can be grieving for years.

You may have heard of the Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Anyone grieving may go through any of these stages, though not necessarily in that order. It’s perfectly natural not to feel any of these stages or only experience one or two. The grieving process is unique, and it’s important to understand this and not let anyone, including yourself, tell you how you should feel.

Life goes on even when it feels like yours has come to a stop. People will continue to come and go, and so will pain. It’s important to accept this even if it hurts but know that there are ways to make the things you can’t change easier.

Embrace your emotions.

Embrace your emotions this season, and acknowledge your pain because it is the only way to get through. If you try to ignore your grief and live like nothing has happened, it will only make things worse. Give yourself time to grieve and take all the time you need to let your emotions out. Accept that your emotions may not feel the same as they used to, happiness will feel muted, like there is a wall between the emotion and how you feel it, and that’s okay.

Find an outlet where you can express your emotions safely, whether it’s by journalling or art. You could even try a support group if there is one locally.

Talk to someone.

It’s important not to isolate yourself in this season. Talk to someone, it doesn’t have to be family or friends though I’m sure they will be there for you if you let them. You could try talking to a therapist who can help you process all your emotions in a healthy way. Or even just talk to God, if you can’t bring yourself to speak to anyone else right now. He knows what you’re going through and will lead you through this season.

Look after your physical health.

Take the time to get outside and go for a walk if you can’t bring yourself to go the gym and do a workout. It’s important that you get fresh air and exercise because both are linked to improving your mental health. You’ll also find that when you feel better physically, you’ll be better able to deal with your emotions.

Draw comfort from your faith.

Don’t run from God but turn to Him for comfort and reassurance. Take comfort from your faith, and spend time in prayer and worship even if you don’t feel like it. It may feel overwhelming to go to church in person, but you should at least attend an online service if you really can’t bring yourself to go in person.

Avoid social media.

Social media can be all-consuming, which is not what you need right now. Now is the time to take some time away from it and be present in your own life rather than others so you can better process your emotions and spend time with the people you care about without distraction.

Think of those you have lost.

Remember your loved ones in your memories, the adventures you had with them and the joy they brought you. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting them, memories are an important part of you, and as they become a memory, they are still very much a part of your life and integral to who you are, just in a different way.

Think about how they would want to be remembered and how they would want you to continue to live your life. Would they want you to remember them in their best moments? Would they want you to be happy? These are things to consider. Even though it hurts right now you can take small steps to where they might want you to be.

Let your loved ones support you.

You may find it hard to accept help from others, to let others support you but where you can let them. It is their way of showing their love and care for you. Accept the awkwardness that can come with people not knowing how to comfort you and saying the wrong things, their intentions are good, and they are trying because they care. Don’t use the awkwardness as an excuse to avoid people.

Recognise the difference between grief and depression.

Grief and depression both involve sadness and have similar symptoms but are two different things. Grief is a response to loss while depression is a mental disorder that isn’t necessarily linked to loss though it can be. Depression tends to be more intense and consistent that grief though it can also come in waves except depression symptoms usually have a worse effect and last longer without professional help. The main difference between grief and depression is the intensity of emotions and the way it affects every aspect of life and the longer lifespan.

Depression is typically diagnosed after experiencing five or more of the following symptoms for at least two weeks.

Low mood almost all the time (including numbness, hopelessness, sadness and irritability)
Lack of motivation, focus, and interest in activities you enjoy.
Fatigue and aches.
Changes in sleep patterns, eating behaviours, and how you move or talk.
A sense of worthlessness or guilt.
Frequent thoughts of death or suicide.

If you think you may be suffering from depression or even prolonged grief, I advise you to seek out a mental health professional. I’ll list some resources at the end of the post.

Some free helplines are:

Samaritans – 116 123 (24/7)

CALM – 0800 58 58 58 (available 5pm to midnight)

Papyrus – 0800 068 41 41 (24/7)

Childline – 0800 1111 (24/7 for under 18s’s)

Silence of Suicide (SOS) – 0300 1020 505 (4pm to midnight)

NHS – 111 (for urgent help for mental health, if life-threatening, call 999)

And for those who don’t like calling, there are some text lines too.

Papyrus – 07860 039967

Crisis – Text ‘SHOUT’ to 85358, and those under 19 can text ‘YM’ to the same number for Young Mind’s Crisis Messenger.

Know that grief can resurface after years.

Even when years have passed, grief can surface, and that’s normal. Whether it is celebrating a special event they would’ve liked to be there for or even just doing something that you associate with them can bring a strong feeling of grief. You can anticipate this feeling coming if you do have such occasions ahead and prepare for it however you can. Acknowledging that you may feel this way can help make it easier, but also knowing you won’t be alone can be a comfort.

Whether you are experiencing grief yourself this season or someone you love is, I hope that this post is of some help to you. I hope that you find some joy in this season and take time to rest even if you can’t enjoy it as much as you would like to. If you want to talk, my email and social media platforms are always open.

If you are worried about someone, here are a couple of resources for you:

How to support someone you’re worried about | Samaritans

Suicidal thoughts – How to support someone (rethink.org)

“The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.”
Psalms 34:18

Other Mental Health Resources.

NHS Every Mind Matters – Every Mind Matters – NHS (www.nhs.uk)

Mental Health UK – Mental Health UK – Forward Together (mentalhealth-uk.org)

Clic Online Community – Clic – Free online community supporting everyone with their mental health (clic-uk.org)

The Mix, discussion boards, support groups, web chat and more for under 25’s – Get Support – The Mix

Childline Message Boards, one-to-one counsellor chat and more – Childline | Childline

CALM webchat service – Homepage | Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) (thecalmzone.net)

My Black Dog – My Black Dog | Free Online Mental Health Chat, Support & Help

Side by Side – Side by Side | A community platform by Mind

SANE Support Forum – SANE

BetterHelp online therapy – BetterHelp | Professional Therapy With A Licensed Therapist

E-therapy café – Premier Online Therapy Services Globally | Etherapy Cafe (e-therapycafe.com)

Talkspace – Talkspace – #1 Rated Online Therapy, 1 Million+ Users

Brightside – Anxiety & Depression Treatment Online | Medication & Therapy (brightside.com)

Sources of Inspiration:

Smith, M., Robinson, L. and Segal, J. (2023) Coping with Grief and Loss. Available at: Coping with Grief and Loss – HelpGuide.org [Accessed 24 November 2023]

NHS. (2022) Grief after bereavement or loss. Available at: Get help with grief after bereavement or loss – NHS (www.nhs.uk) [Accessed 24 November 2023]

Sparks, D. (2014) 7 Steps for Managing Grief and Loss. Available at: 7 Steps for Managing Grief and Loss – Mayo Clinic News Network [Accessed 30 November 2023]

Marais, S. (2022) What’s the Difference Between Grief and Depression? Available at: Grief and Depression: How Do You Know the Difference? (psychcentral.com) [Accessed 30 November 2023]